What’s your phone etiquette?

Time was, it was easy. The phone rang, you answered it, never knowing who was on the other end. Of course, you could chose not to answer it, but that was generally considered odd behaviour – for people who had phones, tended to want to use them.

Growing up, we didn’t always have them. We lived in third world countries where a phone in your home was not a given. Sometimes that was down to a lack of infrastructure, but more often it’s that the system of getting a phone connected was lengthy, probably costing a vast sum of money in not just above the counter fees, but even more in bribes. And as we only stayed in places for 2-3 years, it just wasn’t worth the hassle.

As an adult, it’s been easy for me to fall in love with the phone. To me, hearing a person’s voice in your ear is an enjoyable experience. It’s almost like they’re there in front of me, as I can read nuance and emotion through a person’s voice with a high degree of accuracy.

During my office life, I chose to use the phone a lot, finding it a good way to build relationships. Phone call followed by confirmatory letter or email has long been my methodology. I’ve also answered the phone as promptly as possible, never screening out calls. Indeed, the understanding anywhere I’ve worked was that if my phone wasn’t answered within 3 rings, it was because I couldn’t. So my colleagues would ring off and call back later.

I still hate the sound of a unanswered ringing phone, and can struggle to concentrate on anything else if it goes on for any length of time, so it was easy for that answer-it-immediately attitude to transfer to mobile use.

I remember the first mobile phone I saw. One of the salesmen I worked with bought one for himself. He was one of those get-ahead, go-getting kinda guys (he was the first person I heard use the word proactive for example). He gave not only clients but everyone he worked with his number – except his colleagues just rolled their collective eyes at him, for we shared the view expressed by my boss of the time that, as the only time he got any peace and quiet was in the car, he wasn’t about to spoil that experience.

Some years later, I wanted to go on holiday but needed to be contactable in an emergency, so I got a mobile phone. I used it rarely, so I gave it to my teenage daughter to use when she went out, so it was easy to arrange (or rearrange) pickups. Then I got another one, so I could go out too and she could still ring me 🙂

But… as time has gone on, everyone has a mobile phone. Everyone expects you to have a mobile phone. Everyone expects you to be available on your mobile phone all the time. While initially I had no particular problem with this concept, over time, I have developed a discipline in its use. For instance, when I’m working, it stays on silent and out of sight, being checked when I get up to make tea or the like.

But… what I am noticing more and more is that people text in advance of ringing, to ask if I’m free to talk, or when would be a suitable time to call. It’s not something I considered before, my belief being that if you couldn’t (or didn’t want to) answer a call, you simply allowed it to go to answerphone. Except increasing numbers of people don’t leave a message ‘cos they presume you’ll call back as soon as you are able (despite not knowing the urgency level of their call).

So, it seems now that you text to book an appointment to call and, while I do this with those I know have that preference, I have to ask – when did phoning become so complicated?

These days my mobile phone is pretty quiet. I no longer share the number on my professional site, as I found calls on spec to be disruptive (and in one difficult case, malicious). My clients do have it, but none have chosen to use it, and we mostly communicate via email and through pre-booked zoom appointments. The simple fact is that I don’t want to be permanently available, so I’m not.

I’m especially not keen on people indulging in chats on their mobile phone when they’re alone with me. I do understand that it is sometimes necessary, but I’ve recently sat like a bump on a log waiting while someone (mature and in business I might add) chatted to another person for an hour while I sat in their house, with no-one else to talk to and nothing else to amuse me. It was especially annoying as I was about to end my visit when the phone rang, and could’ve started my journey home instead of wasting my time.

Much like the internet or social media, I consider phones (whether landline or mobile) to be simply tools for use in the way which best suits me and my life – and that means there’s been a change from an access at all hours attitude to a more stepped away option in those areas which are entirely my own to decide upon (my personal life and my own business).

Have you experienced different types of phone etiquette? What’s your personal phone etiquette, and is it different depending on the person at the other end?

© Debra Carey, 2023