A dozen things I learned caring for a parent

Twelve years ago, when my father was diagnosed with two forms of dementia, my mother decided he would be cared for at home. But my Dad was a big man – 6′ 4″ and broad of build – while my mother is only 5′ 2″, so I moved in to help with his care. I remained there for 2 years, until the physical demands of it left me requiring surgery, after which I moved out, and my brother and his wife took over for a further 2 years.

This is the flip side to my previous light hearted posts on the subject, and is something I rarely speak of – but a lovely blogger suggested others may benefit from my experience, so here’s what I learned during those caring years which encompassed the second half of my fifties.

1. There will come a time when you will snap, and lose your temper – be that in frustration, exhaustion or desperation. I’m not suggesting you not feel bad or guilty, nor try to avoid a repetition, but do give yourself a break – caring is really hard on your body, your mind and your emotions.
   
2. You will mourn their loss long before they have gone – unexpectedly shedding tears when you’re alone and while doing ordinary everyday things (like driving or taking a shower).
   
3. It’s physically hard work, so you need to take steps protect yourself from injury.
   
4. When you care as a team, it will bring you unbreakably close to some, but can also drive a permanent wedge between others.
   
5. While you will long to get away and to rest, it can be difficult to relax fully and stop feeling on duty or on high alert.
   
6. Sometimes all that’s needed is for you to sit and just be there. Dementia feels really scary, so it will be of huge comfort to your parent to have you by their side and know they’re not alone.
   
7. While “personal” care is no fun, if you are respectful and mindful of the dignity of the person on the receiving end, it is the epitome of caring.
   
8. It’s difficult to slip back into your normal social life, being with people who’ve not experienced life as carer.
   
9. No matter how tough it is caring for your parent with dementia, do not discount how much stress your other parent can cause.
   
10. When they come face-to-face with your parent with dementia, most people will feel awkward and uncomfortable, but a (very) few will demonstrate kindness, care and thoughtfulness. When this happens, it will not only increase your affection towards those you already like, it may also cause you to value those you really don’t.
    
11. When you buy a listening device to monitor the safety of the carer, you might discover the caree also warrants protecting from the carer, because harm is not only physical.
    
12. Despite everything, there will be times when you laugh so hard, it would be downright dangerous to have a full bladder 😀
    

In short, though I loved my Dad very much and am grateful I could demonstrate that love in practical terms, the experience of caring is not for the faint-hearted.

It would’ve been my father’s 95th birthday this weekend, and as I learned many a life lesson from him, may I ask you to share any life lessons you’ve learned?

© Debs Carey, 2024