Walk a mile in their shoes

We’ve all heard the much vaunted “don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes” and that’s because it’s the way to improve difficult relationships: you – metaphorically – put yourself in their shoes.

As human beings, we tend to take things personally, and can benefit from the realisation that it’s not always about us. A timely reminder that the world doesn’t revolve solely around our own personal axis – and that much of what happens is absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with us – can be hugely beneficial.

For example, two people sharing the identical experience will…

• feel it differently
• describe it differently
• react to it differently
• be affected differently

Yet the experiences of both will be entirely authentic and valid.

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I’ve long had a tricky relationship with my mother. Some people have suggested that we’re too alike (our birthdays are only two days apart) but the truth is that we’re too far apart on the important stuff like values. So when I was doing my NLP training, that tricky relationship provided the ideal source material to try out a technique I was learning, which is all about putting yourself into their shoes, to get a fresh perspective.

And I have to say it was a remarkably eye opening experience. The thing is that I didn’t learn anything new, I just I looked at what I knew, and I paid attention to it – properly, possibly for the first time. With new eyes, I examined how I might feel if those were my feelings, my fears, my thoughts – and it provided me with an insight into my mother’s behaviour.

Did it transform our relationship? Yes. Did it completely heal it? No. That would’ve required change on both our parts, and my mother isn’t interested in change – in fact, she’s positively terrified of it. Nevertheless, by choosing to put myself in her shoes, it meant I was able to eliminate the tension while living in her house in order to care for my father during his dementia years. And I am hugely grateful for that.

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Returning to the pink shoes in the header – they’re exactly the type of shoes my mother would’ve had in her wardrobe – except for the colour. She likes a peep toe, and that bow on the front would’ve been right up her street. Whereas I did have a pair in that colour (if not pearlescent) but they were a classic court, with a pointed toe and a 6-inch stiletto heel. When I gave up wearing high heels, my daughter made a grab for them, fighting off her flatmates to the prize. So, mother & daughters – alike and different 🙂

How do you deal with those tricky relationships in your life – you know, the awkward work colleague, the difficult in-law, your nearest & dearest’s annoying best friend? Have you ever tried putting yourself in someone else’s shoes as a technique to problem solve?

© Debra Carey, 2023